January 28, 2010

"Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them." - Oscar Wilde

January 24, 2010

Every mother needs a day off from her kids every once in a while. Be sure to take some time for yourself without feeling guilty.

January 21, 2010

Optimism is the belief that even when you are surrounded by ugliness and evil there is beauty to be found if only you take the time to look.

January 20, 2010

"As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live." ~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

January 19, 2010

A person who truly loves you is someone who sees the pain in your eyes while everyone else still believes in the smile of your face.

January 18, 2010

You can't finish a book without closing its chapters.  If you want to go on, you have to turn the pages.

January 17, 2010

The gem cannot be polished without friction nor man without trials.

January 16, 2010

When you have nothing to say, say nothing.

January 15, 2010

When you speak the truth, you don’t have to remember what you said.

January 14, 2010

"More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse." ~ Doug Larson


Sometimes having endured the worst, couples find that they and their relationship is far better than it was before. Fairy tales never show the truth behind marriage.

January 13, 2010

Oftentimes, we need to pray not because we need to change the situation but primarily because we need God to change our attitude about the situation. (Ps 145:18)

January 6, 2010

Messed Up

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally messed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door
without using a paper towel or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room
because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread
because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands
with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose (although cell phone usage may be taking the number one spot).

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip
because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse
for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings
because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all,
but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul
because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC
because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers..

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants
even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline
without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper
since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran Wrap
in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face.. Disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones
because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS..

I no longer go to shopping malls
because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex
since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target
since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone
because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Uzbekistan ..

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus
since I now have their recipe.

I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car
because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

I can't do any gardening
because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m. Tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors' ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician . . .

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse..

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

 I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because water splashes over 6 ft. out of the commode.

January 2, 2010

Many of the great achievements of the world were accomplished by tired and discouraged men who kept on working.


It's only hopeless if you give up.

January 1, 2010

"The more help a man has in his garden, the less it belongs to him." ~  William H. Davies